Inner Work

One thing you’ll start to realize about me, the more you read on about what I write, is that I’m not afraid to talk about my struggles. I struggle to overcome a lot internally. And I’m not afraid to express it. I’m aware of the current trend right now of people posting everywhere all of their positive experiences and the lessons they’ve learned once they’ve overcome something and who they are now because of it. Which is fucking amazing! I’m so happy that people can do that. I admire that. I also believe it’s incredibly needed. We need to see people making it out of the sludge.

But there is nothing wrong with sharing your struggles. Struggle shows others they’re not alone. Struggle shows others you’re human and being a human is damn hard. Struggle shows you’re trying.

Though, the dirt of it is where the lesson comes in. The dirt of it is where you discover who you really are and what you’re really capable of. I seem to be in the dirt more than I’m not. Maybe it’s my personality. Maybe it’s because I’m so sensitive. Maybe it’s because I’m connected so strongly to the other side. Maybe because this is how I learn. I don’t really know. It’s probably all of the above and then some.

My journey seems to consist of me going deep, and often, in order to make the changes I need to within myself and my life. This is how I grow. This is how my abilities get stronger. This is how I heal. I’m also extremely hyper-sensitive and I can read deeply into others and situations. Yes, this has felt like a curse for damn near my entire life. I can see the bare truth within someone or a situation. I don’t even have to try. It’s just there. I can see and feel another’s pain. More so if I recognize it in me. I can feel the truth. It makes things rather awkward for me. I’ve spent so much energy trying to shield myself from that stuff to little avail that I’ve learned since, that it’s an inside job first in order to control the overwhelm.  

I have to take the time every single day to set the tone for my energy. Whether it be a short meditation, some stretching, small moments outside taking deep breaths, going for a brisk walk, or jamming my ass off to music as loudly as I can. This is how I get my energy to shift before I get serious setting my energetic boundaries. I envision being grounded into Earth and receiving Earths energy in support of the day. She sends her energy up through my energetic body. I then open my crown and ask the Divine to send me supporting energy as well from the top. The center of this collaboration is me and who I know I am at my core. Like a tree with branches above and roots below and I am the trunk. All this energy circles inside my aura and I push it out as far or as close to me as I feel I need at the time. I sense it locking into place, filled with all the energy I need for the day. Because I do this, and the work I do through healing my issues, I noticed I’m calmer in a stressful situation, and I am more able to stay away from what I feel I’m not able to jive with at that time.

I do tend to avoid more than I should. But my guides tell me I need to prepare before I face something related to a wound. If I wait until I’m truly ready and secure, or at least aware of the wound, I’ll handle things better. More loving results come about. Instead of ramming head-on, emotional, angry, and bitter, and I cause more heartache and more lessons to work through. But I’m also told whichever way I choose to handle things is also okay. There are no rules on what is right or wrong to do according to Spirit. To do whatever you feel you need to do.

Going headfirst, emotional, bitter, and angry is sometimes how I work through my internal issues. When triggered I let all that pain and frustration and hate fill me up, when appropriate. I feel that nasty shit. I allow anger and pain — lots of pain, to come up and out. I hold space for it to become front and center without judging if it’s bad or good to be feeling at all. It just is. In my face. In my body. In my veins. It hurts. It hurts so much. I let it hurt and then I ask it questions.

I’m going to use my most recent lesson to lead this explanation. Like I mentioned before my stepmother died almost a year ago. Ever since, my fathers grieving has triggered me badly. His reckless behavior is causing me to face a lot of inner child issues I have but never recognized until this has happened.

So now I’m here triggered. I’m feeling all sorts of emotions. Anger, lots of anger. Rage even. My heart is broken. I can feel that my heart is broken. I tune in more and I feel that my ‘little heart is broken’. Okay so now I know the source of where it comes from — when I was little. Sometimes a memory will pop up during this moment. Which it always does for me. “Why does it hurt?” I ask it. “Because I don’t feel good enough,” I get in return. His behavior reminds me of how I felt back then. I didn’t feel good enough then and I still carry that pain with me now. For reasons, I won’t go into detail with right now.

Now I’m aware of the source of the pain, why it’s there, who it’s tied to and how it affects me now in my life. So now I have created awareness. Now it doesn’t seem to hurt as bad because I have some understanding around the rogue emotions I was feeling. I allowed myself to go into the shit safely. I let the shit have a voice. I gave it the space to let me know what it needed from me. It needs to be loved. It needs to be validated. Yes, validated. Now I can tell small me, ‘Girl, you had every right to feel that way.’ After this point, you could even go back in time and imagine yourself as you remember you, the small you, and give yourself what you needed then (and now). A hug, comfort, love, understanding, validation, strength, safety. Just remember to tell yourself that you’re always there for you, no matter what. This is how you reparent yourself.

This is a little into how I do inner work. This one in particular for me was related to inner child healing and what I did was reparent myself through it. This is exactly what conscious parenting does also but in real-time. When your child is having a crisis hold space for them to safely express themselves. Give them tools on how to handle their crisis in logical and practical ways without judgment or matching their emotions back to them. Then as adults, they’ll be able to emotionally regulate themselves and won’t have to do any wound healing from their childhood in their future.

Thanks for reading my ramblings today! ❤