“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a ‘hot mess’ or having ‘too many issues’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.” ― Anthon St. Maarten
Some days, most days, being highly sensitive is incredibly painful.
Every word, every sight, every feeling, every thing is felt with every fiber of my being.
I can feel the energy in everything. I have been able to as far back as my memory can take me.
I can feel how someone is truly feeling without them saying a word. They can tell me otherwise, but I know the truth. I often freak people out by explaining their truest feelings back to them if that’s what they want me to do. It can feel as if I’m experiencing it myself. I also intuitively know the thoughts that go along with the feeling. I can’t seem to control that. I don’t purposely read everyone’s energy, it just feels like a normal default for me. I read somewhere that being highly empathic is linked to childhood abuse. From having to gauge and predetermine the emotional state of your caretakers in order to lessen the pain you’ll feel when they’re triggered.
That makes sense to me. I grew up around emotionally unintelligent people who exploded at any slight. Perfectionism was needed or else I was punished. I never had an example of how to properly regulate my emotions. I had to teach myself how to do that. I’m still working on it even at this age..
During a stressful moment recently, I noticed that my abilities were heightened. When in crisis mode I can connect to the energy and other people’s emotions immediately and more easily. It occurred to me that this is a form of survival that I learned early on. To be able to calculate their emotions in order to stay safe. To develop the ability to amplify my natural state of being extremely sensitive in order to lessen a painful experience.
I no longer need this survival tactic. But now I can’t seem to dull it.
But maybe I’m not required to.
Why should I dull myself? Why should I lessen the true state of who I am at my core in order for other people to feel more comfortable? Why should I not be authentic? Why should I lessen myself?
The fact is I’m a deeply feeling person.
I can feel love intertwined within the gentle touch of a breeze through my hair. I can feel the Divine upon every droplet of rain that touches my skin. I can hear soul in every song the birds sing. The way a leaf falls from the sky. The shine of the Sun. The glow of the Moon. I can feel all of this deep in my soul. I can hear with my heart and soul.
Nothing moves me quite like music though. Music touches my soul like nothing else. Music moves me deeply. My vibration can change with music. I heal through music. At concerts, I can feel the oneness of everyone in attendance. All sharing the moment. Connecting with the music. Allowing it into them and feeling it wholeheartedly. That’s so beautiful to me.
While I can feel the love and Divinity and soul within everything, the dark side of it comes with feeling misunderstood and alone. People like me are considered crazy, weak, attention seeking, mentally ill. No, I can’t relate to those who do not feeling everything. I cannot relate to not expressing my emotions. I cannot relate to people who do not feel deeply. I cannot relate to those who suppress their emotions. I cannot relate to those who don’t expand themselves. It’s lonely here. I’m misjudged. I’m not understood.
That’s the painful part.
I used to keep myself closed up. Silent. Non-expressive. Dumbed down. Because I trigger those around me all the time. I piss a lot of people off. Not many people see things the way I see things. Feel things the way I feel things. I’m learning to stop doing this. To let my freak flag fly with pride. To learn to understand that not everyone is like me and that’s ok. They don’t need to be. And I don’t need to be like everyone else. It’s okay for me to be me. It’s okay for me to be unique. It’s okay if others dislike me. It’s okay for me to be sensitive and all feeling.
All that matters is I like me. I love the way I am. I love being able to connect so deeply. This sensitivity helps me connect with Spirit. Yes, I feel misunderstood and alone but I will not lessen myself for another’s comfort.
Take me as I am or leave me alone.