I took a bit of a break from writing this past month. I wanted to write about a few things I had been reflecting on, but it just wouldn’t fully surface the way I wanted it to. I took that as a sign that I needed more time to work through the thoughts and allow everything to work its way out the way it needed to on its own time. During this time, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching related to my sense of self.
Asking myself some awfully tough questions. Trying to see things from a differing viewpoint. Facing what I’ve been denying for so long.
With my birthday in a couple of weeks and the time of year, I tend to do a lot more reflecting than usual. I like to work with the cycles of nature and where I live in the northern hemisphere everything in nature is hibernating right now. I feel myself going within as well preparing for deeper and longer inner work. My guides have even gone quiet on me. It feels like I’m in my own little chrysalis preparing for a great emergence.
My favorite band came out with a new song recently and it really sparked a lot of this to come about. Thoughts about my sense of self have been circling my head and piercing my heart ever since and I’ve been questioning my own self-worth on a deeper level than I’ve ever had so far on this journey.
I’m beginning to face deeper parts of my own darkness. The mask I wear in my role as Pam. A big part of myself I have been denying and avoiding for an awfully long time. My mental illnesses. I hate calling them that honestly. I feel some sort of shame about them. That if I label myself mentally ill my abilities, my character, my reality, will be questioned by others. That I will be called crazy, I won’t be believable, that I’m not a successful human being, that I’m not worthy of anything. Because I’m a seriously flawed human being.
I have all these beliefs about who I am from accepting the stigma associated with mental illness. Unfortunately, (I say that because they are not easy to live with) they are a part of who I am. I have hidden this part of me for so long. Mostly, from myself. I have made excuses, lied, created stories and illusions to get around admitting that I have them and this is the way life is for me. I was in complete denial. All because I’m ashamed. And I judge myself harshly because of them.
I especially hid my severe anxiety disorder accompanied by agoraphobia. Yes, I have agoraphobia. I can admit it now even though there is still shame associated with it. I’ve known I’ve had it for at least the last 20 years. I’ve denied it, calling it other things like severe introversion, extreme shyness, or I just fear and dislike crowds.
I’ve been shamed many times for being this way by others. My mother-in-law actually told me my daughter doesn’t have an example of what a strong woman is in her life because of my inability to leave in the house in certain ways. I say certain ways because I’m not 100% homebound because of it. I’m especially fine if someone is going with me. Then its as if I don’t have agoraphobia at all. Other times I’m in a severe state of fear.
My sister likes to brag about how strong she is because of all the things she’s capable of doing. As if that’s the only way to be strong. Which I took personally. It felt like a cheap shot. She’s aware of my struggles. The people in my husband’s life also don’t understand it. They question how he could be with someone like me. I ask the same question myself. Actually, many people do not understand it.
I’ve spent many years beating myself up for the way I am. Ignoring any good traits I have. For being so anxious and afraid of the world. For having a rage problem, being overly sensitive, having insecurities, suffering from phobias, having a personality and anxiety disorder.
For being such a flawed human being.
People loved to remind me of it too.
Thankfully, I’m a lot better than I used to be. I’ve seen therapists and I’ve been on medication for these issues, but nothing has truly helped me like this journey I decided to take on myself. Believe it or not, I’m actually a lot better off than I was due to my spiritual practices and my willingness and courage to face my inner darkness and tackle my inner pain head-on. Looking back, I’ve come a long way and if I keep going, I know one day I will be able to fully function in this world without severe anxiety. I can see it. I can feel it. I have faith in myself that it’s reachable.
I really believe that those with mental illness and anxiety and personality disorders are actually more in tune with their psychic abilities than the average person. Our abilities are so sensitive, and we’re more in tune to the world around us, most people are unaware that they even have them and how they work that it shows up in severe ways.
So, during my soul-searching, I asked myself some tough questions. Why am I so ashamed of myself? Why do I not see myself as worthy? Why do I judge myself so harshly? The people who love me do not think I’m a burden so why do I think I am? Why do I practically hate myself?
Asking myself these questions I realized the depth of my self-doubt. I feel I have no value. That I’m not good enough. That I’m not capable of being loved. I’m skeptical of compliments. Other people’s opinions are more valued than my own. I’m terrified of sharing my authentic self with the world. I am obviously lacking self-esteem and self-worth. Most of this stuff stems from childhood trauma.
And then it’s as if the Universe is responding to me and I start seeing many quotes related to this very situation as if by magic, such as:
“I forgive myself for judging myself and thinking there was something wrong with me.”
“..things you should never apologize for — being yourself..”
“love your shadows, your wounds, and especially the things you don’t want to see”
“it’s okay to be an imperfect person”
They actually made me feel better, so I started reminding myself of these very things every single day. Especially every time I started to judge myself or beat myself down, I would tell myself:
‘it’s okay that this is who I am.’
‘it’s okay for me to be in this spot for right now.’
‘It’s okay for me to be, me.’
‘It’s okay to exist as a flawed human.’
‘It’s okay to not have it all together.’
It’s actually been helping a lot more than I thought it would. The more I honor myself for how I am despite my flaws and perceived defects, the better I get at actually believing it, liking myself, and even overcoming a lot of my own insecurities and fears. I believe I’m starting to like who I am as I am. I’m starting to accept myself. And if someone doesn’t it’s not taking me down as severely as before. I’m realizing how much I hold myself back. Refusing to allow my inner wild and free to come exploding out. How much I limit myself because of what other people might think. I was raised to do everything as if “what would people think of that.”
I also began recognizing where a lot of my judgments came from. I can say not 100% from me. Most of the things I judge about myself have been other people’s judgments. Things other people have said to me and judged about me and I took it on as truth. I was giving my power away to these people. The power to dictate my own self-worth.
This makes me realize how strong our belief systems can be and the intensity of what they can do to our reality and sense of self. If you believe you’re a failure you will feel like one no matter what, even if you really aren’t. If you believe you’re worthless you will always feel worthless. It really does start with you. It only really matters what you think and what you believe about yourself. Even if you have to fake it till you make it. That’s where our inner power really lies. Within our sense of self. Our inner self. The soul. Who we really are behind the clouds of judgment.
Own who you are! Flaws and faults. You are worthy. No matter what. You are enough. No matter what. You are acceptable the way you are, no matter what. I understand myself and care about myself in a more loving way owning who I am. This is also helping me with my abilities as well. The more I like myself, the more I know what is good and not good for me. I then can begin to trust myself and my intuition more. The more I trust myself I, in turn, begin to trust the Universe more. And when I trust the Universe, I trust the messages I’m getting and the better I get with my gifts. The better I get with my gifts, the more I’m able to help other people heal their own stuff as well.
My healing journey will help other people heal as well. Now I understand why my guides have insisted I share my journey.
Just a little icing on the cake… some quirks and things I like about myself…
I can say the alphabet backwards faster than I can say it forwards. I blush easily. I’m very clumsy. What people may call acne scars on my face are actually from when I had severe chicken pox in the first grade and the blisters left many scars on me. It’s really difficult for me to lie. I’m the most understanding person ever. I enjoy watching cartoons. I have a memory like an elephant except for timelines. I like working on cars. I wish my superpower was to be able to speak and understand any language. I can trigger my own reflexes in my legs. I love abstract art and fractal paintings. I enjoy choir music and metalcore. Every time I take a drink I spill it on myself. I can whistle harmonics and tones. I talk to the trees. I like being barefoot.
Thanks for reading. ❤
“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.”May Sarton